After a wee bit of prayer I decided to get out my Bible and just read a little bit. I happened to find a Psalm that caught my attention--it was interesting because it kind of spoke to me about the conflict that seems always in me--trying to be good, failing, yet still desiring to put my trust and hope in God-- inspite of the fact that I never really think I deserve His help or blessings.
The Psalm I have in front of me is Psalm 38 (King James Version)
1O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.
2For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore.
3There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.
4For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
5My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.
6I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.
7For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.
8I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.
9Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.
10My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.
11My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.
12They also that seek after my life lay snares for me: and they that seek my hurt speak mischievous things, and imagine deceits all the day long.
13But I, as a deaf man, heard not; and I was as a dumb man that openeth not his mouth.
14Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs.
15For in thee, O LORD, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.
16For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me.
17For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.
18For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
19But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied.
20They also that render evil for good are mine adversaries; because I follow the thing that good is.
21Forsake me not, O LORD: O my God, be not far from me.
22Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.
If you know the story of David you know that in his life he was as are all of us, a sinner, and yet God in His mercy loved David calling him a man after His own heart. Amazing!
David at one time commited just a really atrocious sin--he took another man's wife and then when she showed up pregnant he tried to cover it up by sending this man--a man with great integrity and loyalty to David to the front of a battle and then commanding his men to step back and allow this good man to be killed. David did that.
Whenever I get fretty about things--and that happens to me sometimes. I tend to be very hard on myself. I've been told this might have to do with the fact that my dad was an alcoholic when I was a little girl. Thankfully Dad recovered and most of my life I never saw him drink, but you know things were no more perfect in my home than they are in most folks homes these days.Stuff tends to effect various family members in different ways. I'm the one who beats herself up too easily. This is what drew me to the Psalms and to the story of David's life. I love David so much that the only one of our children whose name I chose on my own was our son David Isaac. I call him, God's Beloved Laughter, as he used to light up my world when he was a little guy by his funny face and wonderful sense of humor. :) I've been told that David means Beloved or God's beloved--not sure its true, but I do know that Sarah called Isaac by his name because she had laughed to hear that she would be pregnant in her old age. So-- David Isaac.
Anyhow-- I'm familiar with David. He had a really messed up home life--which I imagine is partly from having too many wives, partly from being possibly too permissive as a parent, maybe he could not bring himself to be hard on his kids knowing what God had forgiven him for? Dunno... I do know he loved God and yet he blew it bigtime and yet God continued to love him and bless him.
I have this little secret weapon I use when worries and doubts and recriminations come against me inside my head--I remind myself of David. I say--look here--God wanted me to know that He forgives sinners. I already know I'm a sinner, so no big deal if I'm not perfect-- nobody is! Even David who was cowardly and betrayed his friend's trust like that-- was forgiven! I'm forgiven! God still cares for me and things will turn out as He sees fit, and knows is best.
And I ask God's help too.
People who struggle sometimes with anxiety or depression or fear--- they need an advocate. These things come against you in the mind and even physically and they are like enemies that try to destroy you. Like David I call on God for His help in those times. Sometimes, like David I have remind myself that God is so good that He will help me inspite of how bad I might feel I am.
I win my battles this way by trusting in God's Mercy and Goodness in Christ rather than convincing myself I somehow deserve better. :)
I take that lesson from David. He was more than willing to admit that he didn't deserve God's help.
"What is man that Thou art mindful of him?"
And yet-- He sought hard after it!