I've renamed this blog Pokeberry Hill because my new house is up on a hill and so is my new garden. It seems easier to say and remember. However-- it will still be Pokeberrykitchen.blogspot.com for a while in order to find it. Maybe I will eventually just take some favorite old posts from this blog and Create Pokeberry Hill as a totally new blog?? dunno. Its a thought though.
I've been doing some soul searching lately trying to find my way and make some decisions. Trying to decide--should I stay with my current job or not--this in light mainly of our moving so far away. I think its a hard decision period. I like the job, I like the folks there. On the other hand, my car broke down last week and still isn't working, and I also must admit that somehow or other my body isn't handling the work as well as it used to. I just had 3 days off in a row and went in to work feeling awfully good really--but when I came home I was sore and stiff just about everyplace and didn't sleep well-- again--this is becoming a problem. I wake about 1 or 2 in the morning and can't get back to sleep then I am sore and stiff and tired when its time to get up. Not so good.
I'm thinking, well... if I decide to stay at home--perhaps another closer job will come up eventually. Meanwhile I can help my kids get situated in a new place and try to 'push' them a little further in the directions they need to go. Our family took alot of set backs and it did effect everyone--especially our younger kids. They are all adults now but a couple of them really don't know what they want in life yet and maybe more time with them would help? dunno...
In any case--not knowing what the heck to do one way or another has been really making me feel unstable. I've finally realized one thing I need is to get my anchor on right. I also realized my strongest anchor is to regularly spend time with the Lord.
I've mentioned my faith on this blog a few times but I never really went too far with that here. Its been a time in my life when I've felt a bit off kilter spiritually and not so sure of myself. I know now that this is changing.
I was out walking this morning and more and more I have been praying "Lord I just don't know what to do about anything! BUT YOU do. You know all that there is to know and You can fix things I don't understand at all--and its not a big deal for you."
Anyhow--that's a prayer that is like casting all our cares upon Him--for He cares for us! Yah so true.
Well I took out my journal this morning and my Bible and paged a little and found some verses that spoke about two things--one was about how some of the Levites back in the Old Testament had a 'charge' they lived near God's house because every morning it was their job to open it up.
"And they lodged round about the house of God, because the charge was upon them, and the opening thereof every morning pertained to them." ~ 1 Chronicles 9:27
Another verse I read was an old personal favorite of mine from the days when my children were young.
"Yea, the sparrow hath found an house, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, even thine altars, O Lord of hosts, my King, and my God.
Blessed are they that dwell in thy house: they will still be praising Thee."~Psalm 84:3,4
Now these verses had a little to say to me--though certainly I won't say they are being taken perfectly in context the way they are speaking to me this morning. Still I think its fair to say this is a good way to think on them right now. They speak to me of a home --God's home and also a mother's home. They speak to me about prayer--for what is it that we would go to God's house for in the morning if not to pray? And they speak to me of praying for my children--laying them upon His altar.
I have always always prayed for my children, but of late I admit my prayers have not been focused and grounded well--they've been like shooting buckshot at the heavens in the hopes that God will hear and do something. I think they need to be more consistent and better aimed. The kids are coming of age in a hard time and we can only do so much for them as their parents--our resources are not so big, nor are we very wise really about what the best thing is for them--so we need help. We need guidance from God and strength and wisdom and patience and lots of other stuff. My kids need initiative and opportunities and guiance and wisdom as well. Prayer is the thing I'm quite sure that I ought to make more my focuse.
How does this effect other things in my life? I don't know. I'm still ambivalent on my job. In the back of my mind though there does seem to be a bit of nudging that says-- hey, you really do need to let this thing go. Its going to be way too far and you need to look a new direction now.
Its not so easy for me.
Because of all the crazy circumstances in our life the past several years I have not really been in one place a long time and I miss 'belonging'.
Perhaps the Lord has a place for me to belong that I won't be pulled from so soon next time? That is my hope. I have applied only for a couple jobs really. Its sort of hard for me. I want to be someplace I am happy to work at if I work. I guess probably I need to stick to part time--for my family's sake and probably for my own. I do seem to have more physical troubles than I'd like--I know its not likely to get better over time--probably worse and overwork likely could exasperate things.
Maybe the 'place' won't be a job? Maybe it will be something else?
Anyhow, as we are preparing to move very soon to Pokeberry Hill, in my spirit I am calling out to the Lord to help me settle down near his house like the Levites and lay my loved ones and all my worries right smack down on his altar in prayer. I think, if I come and open my house of prayer every morning, He will help me bring about good things for my family. :)
I will still be praising Him as the years go on.
**UPDATE** I wrote this post at the end of July 09, just before we began to move to our new home on Pokeberry Hill. I had no idea at the time what was coming soon. The week we were moving my Mom--the elderly parent I sometimes referred to--that I'd been so concerned about--My, passed away suddenly of a cardiac event--most of us kids believed at the time it was due to misuse of RX drugs--but we can never be sure. The stress at the time of our moving was out of this world! I am so glad I had been praying before it all began. Since then things have calmed down. I did eventuallly give up my job--I tried another one that wasn't as far--but it was too physically demanding for me and not at all socially satisfying as my old one had been. I interviewed since then for another library job--but did not get it--which actually was a relief. I think in my heart I didn't want it. 'IF' the Lord opens a door and I do get the job I have since applied for at a close library-I will take it-- knowing that it is good to have that income. However--if it doesn't happen I will be pleased to stay at home and work on my garden and canning and finding ways to better stretch my Husband's income. I am also going to be busy next year planning and doing much of the work for my daughter's wedding and hopefully getting my 2 youngest sons to exercise their wings a bit more. And then of course there's that Grandbaby way the heck out in WA state--gotta be making her some homemade toys I think. :) God answers prayers, He hears them and He knows all about our troubles. I don't think we ever see His big picture for our lives or our loved one's. I do know that he is working in my family and births, deaths, marriages and jobs are all just tools in his hands to get us silly sheep where we belong. In His Hands. ~smile~ Dec. 09