I've found myself lately feeling very depressed. Taking extra naps--one day I took two naps! I knew it was getting out of hand--I knew that this isn't good for me. I also know that given what happened with my Mom there is just no way I will take medication for depression.
That is what began the downward spiral in my Mom's life that finally resulted in her sudden early death. She began taking xanax and prozac some years ago and she seemed to always believe there was some pill for everything, a magic RX that would fix just about anything.
We, her family became concerned when we realized she wasn't functioning at all the way she should and she was taking some pretty powerful pain pills, some narcotic, as well as prescriptions for asthma, for sleeping, for anxiety, for depression and for blood pressure. We tried to intervene in the past year in different ways but were not able to due to Mom refusing to cooperate and her doctors not being helpful either nor the social services in her city. There was a huge amount of frustration over it all, as we all began to warn her that if she didn't stop this she would die. She maintained that we were all wrong and her doctors knew best. About two months ago, my Mom, just shy of her 70th birthday passed away of a heart attack that we, her kids are sure was a result-in some way--of her prescription drug use.
Like my Mom, I also have arthritis just about every place, a touch of asthma, and high blood pressure and I also can find myself at times struggling with depression and anxiety--I got all the good stuff in the gene pool, Thanks Mom for those floppy upper arms too, and the thinning hair. ~smile~
I can't handle things the way Mom did though. I can't just trust doctors to give me a pill for things. I never could. I did try some anti-depressant pills and also xanax-- years ago--for a very short time. I concluded that although they might help a little--they were not the solution for me. I didn't want to become dependent on pills in order to be happy. I learned to cope in my own way. I feel that I must deal with my own troubles in a way that is healthy for me.
Like my friend who goes out and digs in her garden when she is sad--I too have pulled weeds when my nerves were on edge or done artwork to distract an over busy mind. Writing is also a big outlet for me, I have journaled and prayed away the blues many times over the years. Prayer-- you betcha! I believe in that more than ANYTHING.
A person who is given to the blues or worrying needs to find find ways to overcome and I am not convinced by what we've seen done medically over the past 20+ years. I have watched many people go the route of anti-anxiety or anti-depression medications and the results don't look that good to me. I think many people seem to get worse and to become more dependent on pills. Pills don't really fix everything, they may work for a short time--but they aren't cures for the troubles of life.
I have a hard time seeing a difference between popping a zanax and having a glass of wine. I think the xanax may actually be worse. I guess that's my own personal opinion--and I have my reasons for thinking that. Everyone should do what they feel is best for themselves. I'm not an expert, but I feel strongly that we rely too much on unproven science. How many times have we heard them say that they 'think' antidepressants act in certain way in the brain--they say this because they really don't KNOW how it works and I would contend they may not know the harm it could be doing either. One common denominator in most school shootings for instance has been a shooter who has taken anti-depressants or A.D.D. prescriptions. All is not happy in pill land.
I have learned that one thing I must do is be who I am and be happy with who I am.
Some things aren't for me. When I am struggling with things emotionally or mentally I often need to 'dejunk' a bit in my life--Figure out what might make a difference and make some fixes, as well as do the various coping things I do--pray, garden, write, create, talk to others.. etc..
My new job is something I am going to dejunk. It is not a good fit for me. I have tried looking on the bright side of it and thinking of it differently, using it to spur some creative writing on another blog. No matter what though, it just isn't right for me. I don't want to do it and thankfully, at this time in my life, I don't have to. I can give it up and it won't be a huge blow to my family. I plan to tell my boss today that this just isn't the right job for me.
I don't think the new job is the only reason I've been feeling down lately, but I do think its a sort of 'camel's back breaking straw' in my life right now. It adds just enough 'more stress' that it makes other things harder to deal with.
Some things can be unloaded in life, some things can't. I'm going to unload this pressure and expect it will free up some of 'me' to deal better with other things.
I don't know what I'll do in the future. Right now I think I need a vacation from working outside the home--at least for a while. I do still have some job applications out there, and there is one job I might consider taking right now, but for the most part I think there's little chance of that one coming along, and I will be happy to just stay home awhile and rest myself in a way.
I will definitely focus more on working on the new house and the new yard/garden. I will also focus more energy on helping my adult kids get their lives going better. We expect one to move out in January and I want to help the other two here accomplish their goals too.
Maybe I will finally get that backyard garden nursery going more, or go back to selling some of my artwork. Maybe I will take some classes or eventually find a more suitable job. I don't know right now. We shall see.